Quarter-life Crisis

I hate obligations.

I mean, I know everybody does, or else they wouldn't

consider them obligatory. But I DETEST them.

I think it is mostly because I hate feeling out of control,

or like something has some sort of power over me.

For example: People were initially surprised that I stopped playing

sports. If you knew me in high school, or even before that,

you would know that my life was consumed by sports.

I lived, breathed, ate, and drank softball & volleyball.

Don't get me wrong, I love those sports with all my heart...

(my volleyball team, senior year. I'm #11)

I just felt so controlled by them.

So when I went to college, I decided that

I wouldn't let anything control me.

Another example: religion.

Many people (even those that I am really

close to) aren't aware of how religious I am,

probably because I do not attend church. The thing is,

I believe strongly in Christian ideals and I pray everyday.

I have friends that have invited me to go to church

or bible study with them, but I always refuse because I feel

that allowing social pressures to influence my religious practices

will make them feel like an obligation.

And that is the last thing I want.

So let me get to the point here:

Lately I have been really resenting the educational process.

Yes, I know, I am a college student and what college

student does not feel somewhat obligated to attend school?

Some people say that college cannot be an obligation

because nobody is actually forcing us to go,

but I beg to differ.

All our lives, we have been told that we won't succeed in life

unless we go to college (and now, grad school?).

And it goes without saying that we all want to

succeed in life; to be happy. College is just the means to an end.

So, in essence, college is an obligation.

Sometimes I can't help but

to feel so stifled by my

educational environment.

I am no artist, but I know I have some artistic blood

flowing through my veins and I am constantly searching for

creative outlets. Recently, my favorites have been

baking (duh!), coloring in my coloring book (freakishly therapeutic),

painting my nails, reading, and watching movies (wishing I could make them).

I just feel this overwhelming urge to create,

but an inability to do so.

Why can't I succeed in life by doing these things?!

(This question is purely rhetoric. I know that "success" in

this society is determined by financial stability, which cannot

be achieved by painting your nails all day).

But a girl can dream, right?

I think I am just getting antsy because the end of my

educational career is now within reach

and I am so anxious to finish.

I just want so badly for my life to have meaning,

and to one day feel as though I am doing

exactly what I want to be doing,

precisely what I am supposed to be doing,

and only what I was born to do.

(me & papá)

And I am hoping that that day will come sooner rather than later...