"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day. And I believe in miracles."
~ Audrey Hepburn


Quarter-life Crisis

I hate obligations.
I mean, I know everybody does, or else they wouldn't
consider them obligatory. But I DETEST them.

I think it is mostly because I hate feeling out of control,
or like something has some sort of power over me.

For example: People were initially surprised that I stopped playing
sports. If you knew me in high school, or even before that,
you would know that my life was consumed by sports.
I lived, breathed, ate, and drank softball & volleyball.
Don't get me wrong, I love those sports with all my heart...

(my volleyball team, senior year. I'm #11)

I just felt so controlled by them.
So when I went to college, I decided that
I wouldn't let anything control me.

Another example: religion.
Many people (even those that I am really
close to) aren't aware of how religious I am,
probably because I do not attend church. The thing is,
I believe strongly in Christian ideals and I pray everyday.

I have friends that have invited me to go to church
or bible study with them, but I always refuse because I feel
that allowing social pressures to influence my religious practices
will make them feel like an obligation.
And that is the last thing I want.

So let me get to the point here:
Lately I have been really resenting the educational process.
Yes, I know, I am a college student and what college
student does not feel somewhat obligated to attend school?
Some people say that college cannot be an obligation
because nobody is actually forcing us to go,
but I beg to differ.

All our lives, we have been told that we won't succeed in life
unless we go to college (and now, grad school?).
And it goes without saying that we all want to
succeed in life; to be happy. College is just the means to an end.
So, in essence, college is an obligation.

Sometimes I can't help but
to feel so stifled by my
educational environment.

I am no artist, but I know I have some artistic blood
flowing through my veins and I am constantly searching for
creative outlets. Recently, my favorites have been
baking (duh!), coloring in my coloring book (freakishly therapeutic),
painting my nails, reading, and watching movies (wishing I could make them).
I just feel this overwhelming urge to create,
but an inability to do so.

Why can't I succeed in life by doing these things?!
(This question is purely rhetoric. I know that "success" in
this society is determined by financial stability, which cannot
be achieved by painting your nails all day).
But a girl can dream, right?

I think I am just getting antsy because the end of my
educational career is now within reach
and I am so anxious to finish.

I just want so badly for my life to have meaning,
and to one day feel as though I am doing
exactly what I want to be doing,
precisely what I am supposed to be doing,
and only what I was born to do.

(me & papá)

And I am hoping that that day will come sooner rather than later...


Bryan Murray said...

Marcella, I admire your dreamy-eyed enthusiasm and desire to add meaning to your life!! However, the realist (and pessimist) in me has to comment. I know you want to finish college as soon as you can and "start" your life but its hard out here in the world! College is the time with the most freedom and the least responsibility. You don't want to just finish as fast as possible and enter that tiresome 9 to 5 schedule immediately (not to mention the difficulty of finding a 9-5 job). Just remind yourself that you're building that foundation to be financially stable in the future and enjoy it while you can instead of seeing it as an obligation :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is really intense and I must say I feel very similar at times. Especially since I thought college would mean I'd get to learn what I want to learn by taking the classes I want to take, but nope. My schedule has been laid out for me yet again. So yea I get what you're feeling. Which brings up the point of your blog, and the reason I'm doing this project as well. It makes me feel like I can do something for me and only me, because I Want to, at least every once in a while. that being said, I love you very much, and would you like to help me do something on my list called Fingerpainting!! sometime soon? I feel like it'd be a weirdo creative thing to do. haha. Maybe it'll relieve some stress. At least for me :)


Cella Babee said...

Bryan you're supposed to be on my sideeeeeeee!!!!!

And Alexia, when & where? :D

Pam said...

As a 39 year old mother of two, one of my biggest regrets in life is not finishing my college education. I know it's a pain now but you WILL appreciate your education when you are older. Trust me.

Cella Babee said...

I just realized that you are Pam from For the Love of Cooking. I love your blog! Thank you for the words of wisdom and also for all the tasty recipes you post :)

Anonymous said...

aaaw your blank canvas in the corner is so sad! cella, i feel the same way. i am owing it to wintertime blues/senioritis. also there are no cute guys in my classes. so what's the point? haha i have this very sudden urge to pack up everything and take a year off in france. take some art classes. eat some brie. not know anyone. i think what we are feeling is temporary. just stick to it (stick to it harry, stick to your ticket!) and it'll be worth it soon and then we'll be sad it's over. bryan's right. the real world is scary. sometimes i want control of my own bank account and living situation, but this is our last chance to be the kids that we are. and i guess we should squeeze all we can out of it. i'm going to go to the doctor's like everyday while i still have dad's medical insurance!!! D: luv, shell <3